I have a confession to make. It’s an admission that is hard to come by especially at this day and age where almost everyone is “on the go,” or “chronically busy.” It happens to a lot of people but not everyone is ready to acknowledge the matter. It must be the pride.
When was it ever easy admitting that you lost your cool? There you are, treading through life’s ups and downs, then you find yourself at a standstill—completely weary and at lost as to what happens next. You have no idea how it happened. It just is.
But here it goes: I am tired. I feel like I’m running in circles and walking aimlessly.
I am tired and I have no shame admitting that there are moments wherein I lay on my bed staring into nothingness. Sometimes I close my eyes so hard, willing the world to be okay again once I decided to open them.
And it’s not only physical exhaustion anymore.
I am tired of people and relationships. Years of leaving my parts open for everyone to see gave some the opportunity to take a good look and use the best of what I had to offer. And when they realize that not everything about me is nice, that I am not the girl in their head, they turn their backs without so much of an explanation. I am tired and the root cause of it is because I was trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. You can’t force someone to be ready for what you’re ready for is a lesson I learned the hard way. I am tired because I’ve been giving my time and offering my heart to people who did not want anything to do with it. I’ve been giving more than I was receiving.
I should have known better that I was fighting a losing battle. I should have cut my losses early on. But I didn’t.
I am tired of uncertainty. I am tired of being a 20-something, who is fleeting from one job to the next—living my life on a 6 month basis. This, I am partly to blame. I could find a more stable job. Instead, I chose the life of a project development consultant. I am naïve enough to think that I am changing the world, or my immediate environment to say the least, one project at a time.
Blame the tiredness on the fire of idealism that is still coursing through every fiber of my being despite being out of university for the past three years. The older, jaded ones would tell me that while they admire my development work and consider it a noble pursuit, my advocacies are hopeless cases. They go as far as urging me to just leave the country and save myself.
I am tired because I refuse to believe them. I am tired because I am doing my best to prove the naysayers wrong.
I am tired because sometimes when I just want to take a break, the rest of the world tells me that I can’t because I haven’t tried enough.
I am tired in a way that words cannot even begin to describe.
Sometimes, in our darkest moments, we just need someone—anyone—to be there and whisper to us that everything will be okay; that this confusion is a natural occurrence in life; that we will bounce back–stronger and wiser.
That’s when it hit me: I am tired because I made the mistake of viewing life as a race instead of one, big, beautiful adventure. I failed to realize that regardless of what happens, whether I come in first or last, I will always arrive at my destination.
I am tired because I feel real. I feel pain, joy, sadness, discomfort.
I am tired because I am human.
So instead of fighting the struggle, I learned to embrace it and treat it as part of the journey.
And in these moments, I go back to what my mother used to tell me back when I was a kid: When you’re tired and feeling lost, it’s okay to slow down. The world doesn’t stop spinning the moment you take a breather. Be still, my child. There is no rush.
For when you are tired and feeling lost, you ought to listen to your mother.