For the next 30 days, we will be working on the daily writing prompts by Bianca Sparacino which we find truly inspiring.
A Note for the Happy Man
How have you been?
Funny. I see you almost everyday yet I can’t tell if you’re genuinely happy or not. Sure you always say you feel “grand.” You’re a happy (man) after all or at least that’s what you strive to be.
Your smile still captivates me. It’s actually why I’m trying to avoid you. I just don’t want to feel anything for you anymore and it just saddens me that we’re no longer the kind of friends we could have been.
I’ve heard about “sparks” several times but I still find it cheesy. Up until now, I thought it was some kind of an exaggeration of feelings that are too sweet and wonderful that there’s no other word magical enough to describe that one of a kind moment.
At a risk of you getting annoyed (even freaked out) because I know just how much you dislike women expecting you to be that “one” for them, I’m gonna let you in on a secret:
I already thought you might be “the one” even before I saw you. I was already interested to get to know you even before I knew your name. I liked you that first time you joined me for a walk and you let me get a glimpse of who you are. I liked you even more when you started sharing more about yourself. I got to know you a little better and what I saw was a beautiful person just wanting to have a full and happy life.
My dear, you came unexpectedly. I was focusing on my life, building my career, pursuing my passions; making the life I want for myself and for my family. I was even trying to help build a better country.
You’ve made me feel things I didn’t expect to feel too soon. I don’t like thoughts of you invading my once peaceful mind.
I don’t like the riot of emotions messing up with my head and I certainly don’t like to feel an ounce of jealousy whenever I see you talking comfortably with other girls, the way we used to.
You said you wanted to know me better. I wanted to know you better too. I enjoyed those conversations which lasted for hours, and I loved every moment I spent with you until I realized you’re warmth was gradually dissipating.
Your Friday night invitation didn’t come. It was then that I knew. You didn’t exactly leave me hanging. In some subtle ways, you made me understand. Your indifference made it clear as day that it was over before it even began.
It was just over too soon.
I wasn’t done getting to know you yet. I wanted to know you more. I wanted to share more stories with you. I wanted to make more memories with you. I wanted to experience more things with you. I wasn’t done yet.
I was gravely frustrated. I didn’t ask for you, although I wished to meet ‘the one’ for me soon. I was praying for it almost every day. And then you came. You asked me out and then you asked me again… again… and again. And I couldn’t help but think that maybe it was you I’ve been waiting for all this time.
I guess I was mistaken.
But I don’t hate you. I can’t hate you for wanting to be happy and for prioritizing yourself over anything or anyone else. I am only hoping for an explanation for without it, I just feel dismissed. Rejected. That somehow, I didn’t measure up to your expectations; that you were disappointed — turned off by something I said or did. Maybe you thought I was okay with being a casual ‘fling?’ Or maybe you just found someone better.
For what it’s worth, I knew you weren’t perfect but I was willing to know if you were at least perfect for me and me for you.
More importantly, I want to thank you. After all, I still believe you came at the right time. Thank you for reminding me how important happiness is and for reminding me that I should prioritize myself too. Thank you for giving me the nudge to live my life to its fullest and be brave enough to carve out the life I’ve always wanted to have (without breaking any hearts in the process, I hope.) Even if you aren’t meant to stay, you have definitely made an impact in my life and I thank you for that.
No matter how much I believe in confrontation and complete honesty, I can’t bring myself up to face you and ask what the heck just happened. I fear I’ll hear you say that it isn’t a big deal for you and so you don’t think it merits a conversation — it doesn’t merit a “closure” because nothing has been “opened.”
Maybe we just really headed on too fast, too soon. Maybe if we just spent more time together as friends then maybe our relationship would have naturally progressed into a beautiful story.
Maybe I just hoped and wished for far too much.
Then I wonder, how exactly do you make a Happy Man happy? I doubt even you know how. Maybe it’s only a choice between making you happier and making sure you don’t lose that happiness. Such a tall order, isn’t it? But what else can I expect. You are looking for perfection. I am sorry to say, I doubt you’ll ever find that absolutely ‘perfect’ person but I do believe that one day, you’ll find someone who’s perfect for you.
And with this, without you asking for it, I forgive you. I forgive you for turning your back from me, not wanting to get to know how wonderful of a person I am (yes!). I forgive you for pretending “we” never happened — that those few moments I had with you seemed like it never even existed. I forgive you for taking something you were not sure you really wanted. I forgive you for pulling the rug under my feet just when I was starting to get comfortable with how good it felt on my skin. I forgive you for disturbing my peaceful passionate heart. Yes, I forgive you. I forgive myself too. I am sorry.
A friend once said that I should choose my battles well. This is a battle I badly want to choose and fight for because heck, you should fight for something you believe would come your way only once. Thing is, I don’t think I’m ready for any casualties. My heart, my peace, and my dignity are too important to me at this point in my life. Maybe someday when we’re both better, we’ll find each other again. If not, then let’s just hope that we’re already with the one meant for us at that point.
This letter may or may not make any difference but this is as close as I can get to getting this off my chest. Maybe, my dear Happy Man, one day I’ll go up to you and tell you these myself… or as luck would have it, maybe you’re already reading this right now.
Maybe one day, my dear Happy Man, you’ll still be the one I’m gonna dance my favorite dance with.
I’ll be practicing.
With genuine care and affection,